I decided to transcribe a journal entry I wrote the other night when I was feeling especially awful about myself. I’m going to reflect on how I felt (or currently feel). Enjoy the rambling and crying breaks!
Let me preface this post with a few thoughts.
- I have never been diagnosed with a mental illness. I talk a lot (and very honestly) about my feelings, though, and I use the words “depressed” and “anxious” to describe them, but take those words with a grain of salt. I apologize if that is triggering or offensive, but I want to be very transparent.
- This journal entry is not thought out or even very coherent. I wrote it when I was really upset and needed a way to calm myself down.
- This blog is not going to be about me counting calories or weighing myself or really any specifics of weight loss. It’s going to be about my feelings as a plus-sized teenager moving into a difficult phase of life.
- This post is also not meant to trigger anyone struggling with their body image. I don’t mean to make anyone feel bad about their size at all, this is mostly me being upset at how my body has changed. I rapidly (unhealthily) gained weight during high school, so this is me working through my anger that I let that happen.
August 1st, 2019.
Haven’t written my thoughts down (or really written anything down) in a long time. My life is so boring and pointless. I do nothing all day but get on social media, dread upcoming events, (work, literally moving my body), and think about how fat I am. I’ve never felt this way about my body before. It makes me really emotional. I feel like I can’t complain because there is a really simple solution–stop eating so much junk food. But for some reason, I can’t stop. It’s like I’m addicted. With everything in me I cannot pass junk food up. I feel like everyone on Earth can do it except for me. I don’t know why.
I’m always really full and feel so lazy and tired. I feel like absolute garbage every day yet I can’t just get up and change it. Let’s not even get into what I look like.
Long cry break. FYI, we are going to get into that.
I truly never thought it would get to this point. I never thought I would ask my sister to grab me size 20 jeans or that I would walk into a store and not be able to wear anything in it (but that’s a whole other issue) or that I would be worried I wouldn’t fit in a seat on a Cedar Point ride. I always thought that I would have a big transformation before college. That time quickly passed and now I worry that the problem will only get worse.
College is 15 days away and I think my self esteem is going to plummet. I already hate how I look. I couldn’t pick out a single thing about my body that I like. Do you realize how sad that is? I hate it. And now it’s too late to make a good first impression. I had the chance to change how I went into college and I blew it. It was one thing being the chubby, ugly, friend, and now people literally stare at me because of my size. My thighs are so big that I don’t want to wear shorts in college. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed. I wish I had more time. No one is going to want to be my friend.
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