Getting Older (and Heavier). A Journal Entry

Let me preface this post with a few thoughts.

1. I have never been diagnosed with a mental illness. I talk a lot (and very honestly) about my feelings, though, and I use the words “depressed” and “anxious” to describe them, but take those words with a grain of salt. I apologize if that is triggering or offensive, but I want to be very transparent.
2. This journal entry is not thought out or even very coherent. I wrote it when I was really upset and needed a way to calm myself down.
3. This blog is not going to be about me counting calories or weighing myself or really any specifics of weight loss. It’s going to be about my feelings as a plus-sized teenager moving into a difficult phase of life.
4. This post is also not meant to trigger anyone struggling with their body image. I don’t mean to make anyone feel bad about their size at all, this is mostly me being upset at how my body has changed. I rapidly (unhealthily) gained weight during high school, so this is me working through my anger that I let that happen.

August 1st, 2019.

Haven’t written my thoughts down (or really written anything down) in a long time. My life is so boring and pointless. I do nothing all day but get on social media, dread upcoming events, (work, literally moving my body), and think about how fat I am. I’ve never felt this way about my body before. It makes me really emotional. I feel like I can’t complain because there is a really simple solution–stop eating so much junk food. But for some reason, I can’t stop. It’s like I’m addicted. With everything in me I cannot pass junk food up. I feel like everyone on Earth can do it except for me. I don’t know why.

I’m always really full and feel so lazy and tired. I feel like absolute garbage every day yet I can’t just get up and change it. Let’s not even get into what I look like.

Long cry break. FYI, we are going to get into that.

I truly never thought it would get to this point. I never thought I would ask my sister to grab me size 20 jeans or that I would walk into a store and not be able to wear anything in it (but that’s a whole other issue) or that I would be worried I wouldn’t fit in a seat on a Cedar Point ride. I always thought that I would have a big transformation before college. That time quickly passed and now I worry that the problem will only get worse.

College is 15 days away and I think my self esteem is going to plummet. I already hate how I look. I couldn’t pick out a single thing about my body that I like. Do you realize how sad that is? I hate it. And now it’s too late to make a good first impression. I had the chance to change how I went into college and I blew it. It was one thing being the chubby, ugly, friend, and now people literally stare at me because of my size. My thighs are so big that I don’t want to wear shorts in college. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed. I wish I had more time. No one is going to want to be my friend.